Confused...

Has someone every HIT you with words? I mean literally, it felt like their words were a punch in the face or gut? I hate that feeling, especially when you KNOW the person saying these things is respectable and right in so many ways. It seems ironic to me though. Words mean nothing right? Actions speak louder than words right? But then why can they have such an effect on me? Why is something that someone said mean so much to me?

Last night I got that punch in the face. And now, I am questioning everything that I live for. What do I live for? I don't even know and that might be the problem. I thought I had already stepped into the realm of manhood, but obviously, I am still just a child on so many levels. My next question then becomes will I ever be able to tell myself, "Now I am a man"?

My beliefs like honor, justice, selflessness, compassion, and above all kindness, have gotten me nowhere. It seems that the only way one can get ahead anywhere is through selfishness and hurting others. I have hurt others, but I have always told them that I am sorry and truly meant it. I have never tried to hurt others to get ahead or to feel above them. Actually, that is a lie, I have and I regret it everyday. I am so tired of being described with words like "pussy", "woman", and "child" just because I care about others. I guess that is the way it should be though. If I care, I obviously am gay somehow automatically, or am of the other sex.

As far as last night goes, I will always be sorry for what I have done, which doesn't make it okay. I never wanted to be the person to let people down and it seems to be the only thing I am good at right now. In fact, being that person was always one of my biggest fears. Too late now.